Beginner’s Guide to Relationship Building

r20Relationships are something everyone needs and desires. Having an easy come easy go attitude toward then is no way to get ahead. Relationships are important for many reasons. When forming and maintaining them there are certain procedures that must be followed for them to be successful. Here are a few tips.

Relationships are often very delicate and require constant maintenance. On the other hand, relationships can be a source of security that endures many trials. There are many reasons to build successful and lasting relationships. For example, in a group or organizational situation, the emotional health of the members depends on the efficiency and effectiveness of that group or organization.

The group or organization also relies on how well it can work with management. Ineffective groups or organizations can be a source of great frustration for all concerned. It can be taxing on the members.

Human beings are social creatures. A society requires its members to work towards a common goal. Good relationships manifest cooperation and respect. With everyone working towards a common goal, excellence can be achieved.

Each party should understand what is important to each other.

Attachment Theory For Adults and Couples

r19Attachment theory can be studied and dissected in a multitude of ways, but in its simplest form, it is described as a way to showcase the dynamics of interpersonal relationships between humans. This can start from parent-child relationships, friendships, and of course, romantic relationships. There are typically four sides to attachment theory that most models use to define it: Secure, Preoccupied, Dismissing, and Fearful.

For example, in childhood, a secure child might simply wave or say a small greeting when their parent enters the room. A preoccupied child would hardly notice their presence, finding other things more interesting, a dismissing child would purposely choose to ignore them, and a fearful child would be clinging to that parent, desperately afraid of them leaving, or even not loving them enough.

How Can It Affect Romantic Relationships?

These rules of attachment certainly can carry over into adulthood, and affect our relationships with our families, friends, and romantic relationships. Attachment theory is a psychological model, so the thoughts behind it come from a mixture of childhood upbringing, to predetermined psychological thoughts that a child will have no matter what. Of course,

Family and Friends To Regret or To Reconcile

r18FAMILY celebrations don’t always work out as we plan. Many end up with loved ones warring with each other. New wounds are inflicted or old ones are reopened. So much senseless grief and pain. There is hardly a more salient love than familial love – hurts more than it should, and we forgive more than we should. Rightly or wrongly, all this came to me in a single moment’s vision.

Then another vision: a family photograph of someone else’s family. Like all photographs, a moment is captured as if to fix that image as a solid reminder of history. The picture tells a thousand stories. But, simply this…

We’re all passing away. The day comes soon when we’ll be gone, in deed.

Death. Do you think about it much? Not in a morbid sense. In a historical sense. In a factual sense. It will occur you know. It’s only a matter of time. But what about now… what about the time between now and death, where you have choice in how to act and respond? Through this lens, what changes can you now commit to making?

***

Those family

Why Loving Enemies Is Easier Than Forgiving Friends

r17FORGIVENESS is no easy matter in some circumstances, yet there was a time when I thought it was easy; a time when I was naïve enough to think I was particularly graced with the gift of forgiveness. God has since shown me something.

We forgive easily when we understand someone has hurt us who doesn’t apparently have the capacity to love. But when a person betrays us who’s earned our trust; that’s a completely different matter.

So, loving our enemies is easy, and it’s our friends that let us down we find unforgivable. Add to this our family. We expect better. But for those we don’t have any expectation of, our understanding and forgiveness is but a transaction – if, that is, we’re schooled in the powerful college of merciful grace.

How can having this knowledge help us? Again, it’s about expectations. When we get close enough to people to trust them, we also begin to expect they’ll respect that trust. But if someone we don’t know harms us, we may still be upset, but their transgression is easier to forgive – they just didn’t understand. And

The Emotional Power of Touch

r16We live in a ‘touch phobic’ society says one psychologist. Humans like to have their own space without unnecessary intrusions. Even animals define their own territory. Dr. Edward Hall Professor of Anthropology called this tendency ‘proxemics.’ The space we create around us depends on intimacy with others, our cultural upbringing or on socially acceptable boundaries which differ in eastern and western cultures. Touch varies from one culture to another. A kiss or a hug in one culture may not be appropriate in another. Nose rubbing in some societies will seem bizarre in others. Even a simple handshake may be frowned upon by some.

Yet touch is a primeval need not just in humans but also in animals. Anthropologist Ashley Morgan in his book ‘Touching’ says physical contact of babies with their mothers is essential for development. Many animals spend a long time licking their young ones after birth. This is not just to keep the young one clean but the tactile stimulation conveys security and warmth to the baby. Whether it is a dog, cat, monkey or human baby, they all need the touch of

10 Signs You’re Becoming the Best of Strangers

r15There are signs that you’re a committed couple; you know each other’s favorite foods, favorite places, interests, goals, likes and dislikes. When things are in motion to becoming a couple learning more about each other is vitally important; when you’re growing apart, there are different signs. You’re becoming strangers to one another. How can you recognize when this is happening to your relationship?

1) You stop sharing conversations about things that were important to both of you.
2) You stop attending things together that used to be a part of your routine.
3) Your partner is no longer interested in going to family functions together.
4) Your partner gets a new car or other vehicle and you did not know they were looking.
5) Your partner changes jobs; you did not know they were looking.
6) Your opinion about household changes no longer matters.
7) Your partner has new interests you were unaware of.
8) Their opinions about things that were important to both of you are suddenly completely different; someone else’s influence has taken precedence.
9) They fail to notice significant changes about you.

Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist

r14Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a learned process. Learn it now!

Many of us have been there.

You met the person of your dreams – charming, intelligent, romantic, attentive, incredible chemistry and great lover. You might have been told how wonderful you are, how this was the first time your lover had ever felt this way and had this level of connection, and you felt truly seen for the first time.

Perhaps there was a nagging unease that all this was happening too fast – that he or she couldn’t possibly feel this way about you without knowing you better. But you were swept off your feet and finally decided to open your heart.

The confusion may have started then, as your lover pulled away and become critical. Or, it might have started after you married, and you found yourself with a partner totally different than the person you fell in love with.

Whether your relationship was two months or two years or two decades, it was likely tumultuous, confusing and painful. And if you were married and then divorced, it might have been more painful

Why Do People Find It Difficult to Give

r13Mother’s Day is celebrated in the month of May, though the United Kingdom celebrates Mum’s Day in March. Whichever month this very special day is celebrated, my topic today “It is Better to Give” reminds me of mums’ effortless giving. I haven’t known any mum who does not live by this motto, “It is better to give.”

I will not enumerate why this topic aptly applies to mums because I believe we all know that mums would give everything and anything for their children. Rather, I will enumerate some reasons why we sometimes refrain from giving. That is, we forget our mother instinct and emotions when it comes to giving to people other than our children.

Why do people sometimes find it difficult to give?

People find it difficult to give because of short-sightedness.

We must look beyond the short term; that is losing something when we give. We should think of the benefits that we will receive as we give today. A buyer asked for a discount but was rejected. Unknowingly the customer who asked for a discount intends to buy in bulk. Had the seller probed

Why Is Forgiveness So Hard

r12LIFE teaches us various lessons, and it’s in our best interest, albeit it’s an inconvenient truth, that those lessons aren’t learned easily. The best lessons are tough lessons.

Forgiveness is a perfect illustration of one of those poignant lessons. True forgiveness is one of the hardest things we’ll learn. And we can only learn it by applying it, though understanding why we ought to forgive underpins the genuineness of the forgiving act.

To say that forgiveness is a process is an understatement, but that won’t earn us any reprieve when we stand spiritually naked before God. Our Saviour has commanded us to throw our life away in order that we would save our life, and what better way is there to prove we’re really surrendered to our Lord?

Then, when we actually forgive someone who hurt us, especially an unrepentant person, we find out what a tussle it is. It can seem to get harder with time, not easier. ‘Forgiveness’ seems easy when the personal costs are low. But sooner or later the stakes are raised, and we really do then have to make a choice –

Why Forgiveness Is All About Justice

r11FROM the viewpoint that forgiveness isn’t about justice at all, this article takes the mirror image view – forgiveness is all about justice, and nothing else.

Because God forgave humankind, showing bearers of His glorious image how to interrelate, we ought to respond in kind.

Because God offers forgiveness unconditionally – no matter what sins we’ve committed – it stands that we ought to forgive any and all sin done against us. For, in the first case, the sins that God has forgiven were and are against Him and Him alone. In the second case, the sins done against us are against Him, too, just like the sins we do against others – yes, we transgress, too – are done against Him.

Some sins are done against us. Some sins, against others. Yet, all sins offend God.
All sin is done against God, yet God has forgiven all sin.

Not all sin is done against us, yet we do all types of sin.

We do all types of sin, against a sinless God, who has forgiven us, and yet we do not forgive others.

Can we see a problem with

Why Forgiveness Isn’t About Justice At All

r10RATIONALITY has nothing to do with how life in relationships work.

Relationships do not work on principles that can be weighed. There is rarely the point of right or wrong in relationships. There is no black and white in relationships, only myriad shades of grey.

It’s because of perceptions… and points of view… which are all different… and differing values mean we apply differing weights of importance to the same matters.

So why do we consider that someone else should suffer the indignity of being humbled when we won’t? Why is another person to forgive us when we don’t feel led to forgive them or another person or people?

Forgiveness is not about justice any more than justice is about reality. Justice is about right and wrong, whereas forgiveness is about reconciliation, and there’s not much justice in this broken world of ours.

Disconnecting forgiveness from justice eases all our impossible expectations.

Someone does us ‘wrong’ and then we become imprisoned in our hurt until we get an apology. What if it never comes? It would have been better not to think of what they did as right or wrong,

Forgiveness Within a Broken World

Troubled couple

Troubled couple

FROM where we’ve come from, we’ve spoken a lot about forgiveness being an act of obedience over justice, that it’s not about justice at all, and yet that it’s all about justice. Those three previous articles have presumed that forgiveness is an-easy-to-understand transaction. To a point, it needs to be. Forgiveness needs to be about obeying God, and not haggling about justice.

But that’s not the whole story as far as God’s concerned.

God knows, as our intuitiveness tells us, that there’s something more primary to our obedience – something that must be in place for our obedience to work.

The LORD looks to the heart.

The Bible tells us that God cannot ignore the person who has acknowledged their truth; who has dug down deeply into what they did wrong, and who’ve owned that historical fact. God cannot ignore someone who’s taken Him seriously, who’s not simply settled for an outward ‘sacrifice’ for having sinned, but has made an inner sacrament of their contrition.

As far as forgiveness is concerned, it helps enormously if we’ve dug down deeply into what we could have

Forgiveness As Simple As Forgetting About Right and Wrong

r8Some time ago I learned a painful but fruitful lesson – people, all people, are sinners, and I cannot expect perfection from any of them, even of those who are mature in the faith. I cannot even expect them to behave ‘morally’ (it’s impossible to settle on an ethic that could be fairly and agreeably applied). We’re all corrupt. And this is wonderful news; we’re all benefactors of God’s gracious forgiveness as an example of the forgiveness we’re to graciously bestow.

Holding people up to a holier-than-normal standard (i.e. something better than “sinner”) reveals self-righteousness, and a dangerous form of legalism. Yet, this is exactly what we do when we refuse to forgive someone who has sinned, against us.

We ought not to be afraid of sin’s signs and symptoms in our lives or in the lives of others. We ought more to celebrate the fact that all of us need the grace and forgiveness of God more than we even know. But we certainly shouldn’t judge sin – that’s God’s job.

Our judgment of others’ sin is the worst sin we commit.To judge another’s sin –

If You’re Not In It For Love

r7There are all kinds of people in all kinds of places who are in relationships and marriages for all kinds of reasons… other than being in love. Why do we do it? Is it comfortable, honest or acceptable? That depends on your arrangements; there may even be a way to make it easier or more pleasant. What are the top 5 reasons we enter into this kind of arrangement?

1. Security
2. Loneliness/Companionship
3. Lack of confidence/Poor Self esteem
4. Peer pressure /Job Expectations/ Family Pressure
5. Parenting Assistance

It should come as no surprise that money is the top reason people enter into relationships with someone they are not in love with. There is a large segment of our population who believe that money matters; it makes their world go round. They are willing to trade the magic of love for security.

Loneliness can be unbearable. There are many people who are self-reliant and more than capable of living alone comfortably but cannot tolerate the silence; the daily routine of a life lived alone. They are willing to trade the things they can provide for companionship

What a Success

r6It was good to see the Hairy bikers organizing “old school”, what a great idea to bring together youngsters and senior citizen. How they both benefited, both gaining confidence, the elders feeling needed and the vulnerable youngsters feeling support and caring. Both gained from giving and receiving.

You could see the youngsters blossoming and the elders glowing with pride, both were growing in the new relationships. The cognitive skills of the elders improved together with the youngsters school grades which soared, school attendance and general well-being. Everyone likes the support and friendship of someone they trust, a mentor to look up to.

I remember when my daughter was at school an older lady in the village came in to talk to the children about life in the war years, ration books etc. The children were fascinated. When later I was teaching, adults often came in to listen to children read, run the library and other tasks. This pairing of elders and youngsters appeared to be even better and should be practised nationwide.

In the program the bonding and caring grew over the weeks, it was great to

Relationships Are The People Who Rescue Others Healthier Than The People They Rescue

r5While someone could be in a position where they have saved a number of dogs from drowning, it could go even further than this. Perhaps they also work in the fire service, and have then stopped a number of people from losing their life.

They could also find that this kind of behaviour appears in their personal life, and one is then going to be used to being there for others in all areas of their life. However, this doesn’t mean that one has to have a history of saving dogs and/or to be in the fire service in order for this to occur.

A Normal Part of Life

When this is something that appears in their personal life, it is unlikely to be something that takes place from time to time. There is a strong chance that this is an experience they have each day.

This could be because they are in a relationship with someone who is unable to handle life, or it might be a sign that they are surrounded by friends who have the same problem. At the same time, their time might be

Relationships Do Some People Only Talk To You When They Want Something

r4Although relationships can be based on give and take, they can also be out of balance. When this happens, one person can give and another person can take, and this is going to lead to problems.

Normal

However, this is not to say that either of these people will realise that they are out of balance, as it could be something that is outside of their awareness. If one is used to giving more than they receive, it could be how their life has always been.

And if one is used to receiving more than they give, this could also be how their life has been for as long as they can remember. The person who always gives could be fed up with what is taking place, but the person who always receives could have a radically different experience.

Part of Life

Yet even though one person can be in a position where they have had enough of being taken advantage of, it doesn’t mean that they will do anything about it. For one thing, they could believe that it is just how life is.

On the other hand, the

Relationships Are You In A Relationship With Someone Who Is On The Rebound

r3When someone starts a new relationship there is a strong chance that it will be their intention to be with someone who is available. In this case, one is in a position where they are ready to share their life with someone else.

It could then be said that they have the right outlook, and it could mean that they will be on the path to a fulfilling relationship. A new chapter of their life has then begun and one could be grateful that they have met the right one, so to speak.

A Different Experience

However, even though one can start a relationship and hope that the other person is available, it doesn’t mean that they are actually available. In the beginning, one could act as though they are ready to settle down and then as time goes on, this could soon change.

This would then show that while part of them is ready to settle down, another part of them is not on the same page. So although one could go along with the relationship and pretend that everything is fine, they could also walk away.

Unavailable

On

Relationships Why Do Some People Only Know Who They Are When They Are In A Relationship

r2While some people can find that they can function whether they are with someone or if they are by themselves, there are others who are not in the same position. In this case, one can find that they struggle when they are not with someone.

On the other side, one could find that they it is not possible for them to function in a relationship. As a result of this, they are likely to do everything they can to avoid getting too close to others.

From The Outside

However, if someone was to come across how these people behave, it would be easy for them to come to the conclusion that one of them is healthier than the other. As one of them is drawn to being with others, they could be seen as the one who is comfortable with intimacy.

Whereas when it comes to the person who does what they can to stop themselves from getting to close to others, they could be seen as the one who avoids intimacy. This would show that they have made a surface level assessment and not looked into the

3 Ways to Move on From Toxic Relationships

r11. Hear the part of you that is crazy, repetitive and destructive

Half the time we live in agony because we are fearful of facing our doo-doo and think somehow if we avoid it – it will go away – it won’t.

When you accept your mess without trying to push it away, you allow an opportunity for your fears, hurt and anxiety to be released and released for good.

MOST of the suffering you may experience when you break up are the voices in your head telling you – you did this wrong, your ex did that wrong and that somehow you created this hot mess of a bad relationship. Some of those thoughts cycle in a horrible destructive way: “I wasn’t attractive the way he wanted”, I wasn’t young enough”, “I’m not making enough money”… I’m sure you have a long list that goes on and around in circles.

When you hear these thoughts in your mind, the common practice is to ‘focus on positive thoughts’ and push away your negative thoughts. However, that does not work with a break-up because you are so hurt and